in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
