Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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