Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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