life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just had sex on a roof
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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