Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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