how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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