Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
