Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
