He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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