Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
