what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
