duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
