I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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