Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
