if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
