tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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