JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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