I accidentally had phone sex last night
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
