Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
