i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
