Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
