I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
