Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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