Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
