I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
