its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
