I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
