I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
