Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
