my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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