My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
