Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
