Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
