someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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