Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
