you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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