Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
