Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
