I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
