I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
