Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Randomize
