i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
