I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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