trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
high people should be assigned attendants
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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