Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
