My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
PANTIES FOUND
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