The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
