if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
