Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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