Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
