I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
