fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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