The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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